You made small incremental decisions that maintained the relationship and the family. Having no clear guidelines, you let these areas, and perhaps these doubts, go unexplored. But you sensed that your husband was not completely transparent to you, that he had secrets or evasions.
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You may have termed this privacy, or given it some meaning. You may have learned a way of relating that, though intimate, allowed for certain unexplored regions. You fell in love and got married and had two beautiful children and had always thought there might be unexplored territory between you and your husband. It helps to make a story out of what happens. We seek meaning in misfortune whether we get cancer or have an accident or are bombed out of our houses by unseen jets. What I can do is help you form a narrative or map.īecause you are human you will seek meaning in what happened. For that, you have wisely chosen a therapist and a lawyer. I want out the question is do I wait until the girls are off to college (another couple of years), or do I seek an exit now. My self-esteem is still pretty high, but self-pity creeps in every now and then, hurting my ability to think straight. This past couple of months have been hardest in my life, just watching everything I ever believed in crumble apart.
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My priority is our girls, who are, hopefully, oblivious to the extent of our marital crisis, but I am asking myself lately if it is time to let him go, and hope for the best for all four of us? I do not want to hurt the girls, but I do not want to carry on with this agony for much longer either. I do realize that his orientation is not a choice, but his behavior is. Although not a deal breaker, his Internet activity makes me conclude that he is not willing to make an effort toward the true reconciliation of our relationship, and that his real orientation is something he will not be able to deny for much longer. I do give it a try every day, and every day is an effort, but, although he did give up his "encounters," he still maintains virtual presence in the gay community through porn and his private Flickr account(s). Now, being middle-aged and with thin résumé, getting a job will be difficult in this economy, and I am more and more inclined to pursue separation, since staying in the marriage is not really emotionally healthy for me. I have consulted the divorce lawyer as well, but decided that I simply cannot afford to leave him before I can secure some sort of support system, income, job, anything that would assure my landing on solid ground. I have immediately lined up a therapist, not being able to go through the crisis by myself. Having two teenage daughters and being a stay-at-home mom, I have initially agreed to let him back into the family fold, after all his STD tests came back clean.
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As in a textbook scenario, he, somehow, convinced himself that I, being very liberal and supportive of gay community, would understand, and maybe even approve, his urges.
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After a week of hell, and many a shouting match, he begged me to take him back, claiming that his experimentation is not worth losing his family. He admitted having four sexual encounters with random men he solicited from Craigslist. Recently my husband of 18 years has explored his sexuality with other men.